BiPolar Entity
by Inu Kaiba
Summary: SasuNaruSasu. Anti SasuSaku. Between pepper spray, strange outlooks, saving the land from evil fan girls, a 500 mile distance, and having Iruka snap, it was just a crazy story to make you laugh... without a plot. One-shot.


Inu Kaiba: Welcome to my 25th fiction; Yay celebration. Well that's not really a big deal. Anyways this was mostly co-written with Rosey or Riekoish, depends what you call her; who happens one of my best friends… and if she doesn't like me saying that, I'll go kung-fu. So it's co-written with her, I'd love to thank her for sorta writing it with me. She played Naruto while I played Sasuke and all the other characters were split between us.

* * *

Sasuke: Bi-Polar Entity. Gay or Nay?

* * *

It was an average day in an average village… or as average as a hidden village with ninjas being trained can become. 

On this lovely average day, Iruka was strolling along doing some serious thinking about his life, when he came across Naruto, who was something of a best friend.

'If Naruto trusts me with his life… Maybe… Maybe I can trust him with this.' Iruka thought to himself.

He walked over to Naruto, and decided to get this lump off his chest. "You know what?" He began hoping he'd feel a lot better after this confession and he'd go home and have a bag of chips and a pop or maybe some tea and sweets.

"You suck Iruka." Naruto yelled at Iruka. He'd been very mad at Iruka-sensei lately especially since Iruka never took time to listen to him anymore, and now he thought they could just be like old pals again, and completely ignore how he'd felt this whole time.

"THE TRUTH IS I'M A FUCKING WHORE." Iruka screamed back at Naruto, just thankful to get it off his chest. Now all he had to do was get really, really angry, and get the whole damn mistake off his chest.

"Ewww." Naruto said staring at Iruka funny.

"I got a job as a fucking stripper and earned this cock shit mouth." Iruka said. Inside, Inner Iruka was cheering that he'd finally gotten that all off his chest and boy, did he need to.

He didn't know what had compelled him to become a stripper in the first place. Maybe it was the extra money, maybe it was because he got his sexual frustration out, or maybe it was the free sex…

"Do my ears REALLY need to be hearing this?" Naruto asked, thoroughly sickened out by the whole matter of Iruka-sensei being a whore. 'How the hell did that happen?' he thought to himself. 'Maybe it was the money, the free sex…'

"Which reminds me..." Iruka said. "That thing you said earlier, that I suck. You know what, sucking costs... MONEY! Which I need… Badly… Which is why I got the job in the first place." He muttered.

All of a sudden, or rather out of no where; Kakashi showed up. "How much?" he said with a grin on his face, hovering around Iruka.

"AH!" Iruka screamed like a little girl and began to run from his crazy stalker, Kakashi.

"Wait, come back Iruka!" Kakashi yelled chasing Iruka, to where ever he was running to… which was really just trying to get away from Kakashi.

Then again, out of no where someone else popped up. This time, it was Sasuke. "I… um… uh… I'm out of place… Hmm... Script... script… Oh, right! It says here: Come out of no where and act as though you're out of place. Okay so the next person to speak is Na…"

All of a sudden Naruto tackled Sasuke with a fan-girl like glomp. "Sasuke!"

Sasuke stared at Naruto as if he were crazy. "What are you doing…? No more like… What the fuck are you on!"

"Psh. Stop being so naive." Naruto said, looking at the ground with a pout-y sort of blush. "You know damn well what I'm doing."

Sasuke just stared at Naruto the same way he had before. "Stay away from me!" he yelled in a snappish tone walking backwards and holding out his hands. "I was warned about people like you!"

Naruto humph-ed and sulked about. "Whatcha gonna do about it?" He said walking a bit closer walking two steps closer for each step Sasuke took backwards.

"I have Pepper Spray!" Sasuke warned, pulling the pepper spray out of no where and shaking the bottle in front of him as a warning.

"SASUKE-KUN!" Sakura yelled running over to Sasuke, the third person to seemingly pop out of no where.

"BACK BEAST BACK." Sasuke threatened still trying to get rid of Naruto.

"Oh shut up." Naruto said, not even believing Sasuke's hollow threats.

At that point, Sasuke hit the spray button down accidentally sending out a cloud of peppery smelling gas.

"Ah! My eyes! THEY BURN!" Sakura cried out running around all over the place, trying to get the stinging solution out of her eyes.

"I'm sorry!" Sasuke also cried and put it back out in his purse that was dangling from his shoulder; the fourth thing to pop out of no where.

"You carry a purse?" Naruto asked, staring at him and trying not to laugh. But that was just too hard to accomplish and he burst out laughing at the girly Sasuke in front of him.

Sasuke squatted on the ground and began rooting around in his purse while Sakura ran around screaming about how her eyes were burning. Finally, Sasuke pulled his hands out of the purse and placed it off to the side having come up with a plastic bottle of mineral spring water and a plastic wrapped roll of toilet paper.

"I'm sorry!" Sasuke said, while unwrapping the roll of toilet paper and throwing the wrapping into the garbage behind him and… missing.

Some do-gooder Konoha citizen picked the plastic wrapping up and threw it in the garbage. "Take care of your own garbage jack ass!" He yelled at Sasuke and continued on his way doing what ever those filler characters in the background do.

Sasuke poured the whole bottle of water onto the whole roll of toilet paper, wasting toilet paper, water, and the money he used to pay for this stuff and began rubbing it on Sakura's eyes. "I'm sorry!"

"Are you SURE there's no make up in there?" Naruto asked pointing to Sasuke's purse. "'Cuz I think your lipstick is fading." And then he cracked up all over again laughing at his witty, slapstick humour.

"Sasuke!" Sakura said. "It's okay! Oh my god. You touched me!" She squealed and immediately tried to glomp him.

Sasuke pulled out something extremely large from his purse, god knowing how it got in there, fit in there, and how he carried it around and threw it at Naruto.

"Oh my god. I regret putting it away!" Sasuke screamed going into his purse and getting out his trusted Pepper Spray which hadn't let him down yet.

"Back, both of you!" He hissed most likely spitting on them in the process.

Sakura completely ignored his warning and football tackled him.

Sasuke got up, brushing the dust off his sleeves and slapped Sakura with his purse. "I said, STAY BACK. So you STAY BACK!"

Naruto recovered from his injury of being hit with the heavy item Sasuke threw at him and got Sakura's attention. "Quick, Sakura! I found some rope!"

Sasuke ditched his once trusty Pepper Spray throwing it to the side of the road and ran down the street calling for Iruka, who was still trying to get away from Kakashi. "IRUKA!"

Sasuke ran over to Iruka and began following his movements to escape Kakashi's clutches. "Yeah?" Iruka asked.

"Help me!" Sasuke whined, noticing Naruto and Sakura on the ground planning their mission to capture him.

"Uhm. Sasuke. I would ask Iruka, really I would. He's a bit dirty you know." Sakura told Sasuke point-blank.

"But I need help too!" Iruka whined right back.

Naruto, who had now gathered up the rope handed it to Sakura to get ready to capture Sasuke.

"Oh… Fuck." Sasuke said as calmly as possible in the face of your crazy friends who wanted to capture you and tie you up and do god knows what to you. From lack of anything else to do, he grabbed Iruka's hand screaming, "Just run!" at him.

"Wheeeheeehee. Iruka my loooove." Kakashi called out to Iruka still trying to catch up with him.

Sasuke ran off with Iruka into the setting sun, which coincidentally started setting even though it was noon while they were running off… And became one of those alternate couples no one writes about…

* * *

"What a lame ending…" Naruto said with a snort. 

"Huh. They'll be back." Sakura said filling her nails with a nail file and holding them up to the light to inspect them.

All of a sudden like an author trying to prolong a stupid story, Sasuke realized something incredibly irrelevant to anyone but himself and just had to do it. "EHMAGOD I DROPPED MY PURSE!" He screamed with much frantic-ness and ran right back in the opposite direction they had previously been running away from.

"What are you doing!" Iruka screamed. "Get back! We're supposed to be running away. Not running back to get a purse… Your purse…"

So like the stupid person Sasuke is he jumps out of the safe environment and back in the burning frying pan, screw that stupid frying pan thing. So you jump out of the burning frying pan into safety, not the other side where the fire is. Okay? Good. So Sasuke follows my way of the frying pan thing.

"HEY, SASUKE! YOU FORGOT YOUR LIPSTICK!" Nartuo jeered holding the lip stick up which obviously belonged to Sakura hence her reaction was "GIMME."

Sasuke in his almighty twitchy wrath threw a tampon at Naruto from 500 miles away... somehow…

Naruto watched it fly out of no where, yet another mysterious… something to do so… and watched it hit Sakura. "Geez. Talk about needing to improve your aim…" Naruto muttered.

Being hit with a tampon from 500 miles away… somehow… was pretty much the same as being hit by a penny thrown off the CN Tower. You're not gonna live. But Sakura did live, she was just unconscious.

Sasuke now thoroughly angered at the fact that it is quite obvious you're not going to hit the target from 500 miles away, made up a paper airplane in lightning speed, and after writing a message on it, threw the paper airplane at Naruto.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Naruto was hit by the plane thrown from 500 miles away… somehow and screamed like a little girl.

After calming down enough to examine the deadly object, which had given him a paper cut on his face, he opened it up to find a… message.

Dear Stupid,

YOU TRY THROWING FROM 500 MILES AWAY!

Signed,

The Almighty Sasuke

"Oh. Okay." Naruto said and threw it back from 500 miles away… and missed by 450.

Sasuke did the sensible thing you would when watching the actions of a stupid person. He sighed and slapped his forehead at the stupidity of the whole situation.

"Aw. Are you sad Sasuke that I at least have better aim then you? Heh. I'm going to walk away now. You being 500 miles away is making me depressed." Naruto said and started to walk toward where Sasuke ran off to.

"Wait…" said Sasuke staring at him funny. "But you missed by 450 miles and you and you… I'm stuck between a rock and a rock and a rock and a rock and a... IM PAIRED WITH TOO MANY PEOPLE! I'M THE whore of the Fanfiction archives!"

"Yeah but I'm the cutest!" Naruto protested too stupid to acknowledge the rest of what Sasuke had said.

"NAY!" said Ino.

"NAY!" said Neji.

"YAY!" said Hinata, because she never wanted to make Naruto mad she agreed with him. 'Will anyone else be mad at me because I didn't agree with them?' she thought to herself.

"OH GO EAT GRASS. Neji." Naruto yelled, pissed off because well… we don't know why he is.

"Well THAT was original…" Sasuke muttered.

Sakura roused herself out of a state of unconciousness, for whatever reason or however she did it, maybe just to yell at Ino, yeah, to yell at Ino. "INO-PIG."

"I'm known for originality." Naruto said. "AND I CAN HEAR YOU MUTTERING FROM 500 MILES AWAY YOU KNOW."

Sasuke stared at Naruto funny.

"Fuck you bitch." Ino sneered holding Sakura back with her forehead.

"Screw. You. Fuckhead." Sakura got out through clenched teeth pushing her forehead against Ino's hand and using her feet and hands to kick at her… acting like a rabid beast because we said so.

"YOU KNOW HE'S GAY RIGHT?" Ino said stating what was already obvious and pulling her hand from Sakura's fore head enraging the pink tornado.

"YAY!" said Neji, for now he could be paired with Naruto… or Sasuke.

"YAY!" said Hinata agreeing with Neji so he wouldn't find a reason to be mad at her later… she liked Kiba better anyways.

"Yeah. NARUTO. Go hunt Sasuke. And maul him with your love." Sakura said angrily folding her arms against her chest.

"I knewww! I knewwwwwww all along!" Ino said triumphantly poking Sakura every time she said knew.

And like someone watching a scene unfold from the background, Naruto stared at the scene unfolding, but he stared at it as if these people he knew forever… Were smoking something he'd never heard of and couldn't pronounce.

All of a sudden from out of nowhere, a T.V. thrown from 500 miles away… somehow… came flying through the air, thrown by none other than Sasuke and hit Sakura in the head with a BONK anime sound and knocked her out again.

"ANGER MANAGEMENT SASUKE!" Naruto shouted shaking his fist at 500 miles away where Sasuke is… somehow.

"I'M NOT GAY!" Sasuke said his voice coming out of the TV screen. He'd set up a camera which was connected to the T.V. somehow so Naruto and Kakashi couldn't follow the wires to where Sasuke and Iruka were.

"No." Naruto sniffed realizing he'd only see Sasuke on the T.V.

Apparently Sasuke was moving the camera angle around and Iruka was seen off in the background somewhere knitting a sweater… somehow…

"You ran off with Iruka. Doesn't that point to being gay?" Kakashi stated blatantly.

"AND I'M NOT GAY EITHER!" Iruka yelled from the background, his voice co,ing out from the T.V. as he shook the half made sweater around.

Naruto snorted disbelievingly.

"I'M STAYING AWAY FROM YOU… YOU SICK STALKING FREAK!" Iruka screamed and hugged the sweater. "You're scary. SCARY DAMMIT!"

"It's just Naruto. No need to be so mean Iruka-chan." Said Kakashi wagging a finger at the screen where Iruka and Sasuke could obviously see them as well.

"I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT, SHIT BRAINED NINJA JOUSHIT!" Iruka snarled at Kakashi throwing the sweater at the screen.

"HEY, THAT COST A LOT OF MONEY!" Sasuke yelled pulling the heavy sweater off the delicate camera.

And like a stupid person who just doesn't get what 'joushit' was hinting towards acted dense as he usually was… again. "STOP YELLING AT ME IRUKA!" Naruto yelled.

"I'M TALKING TO THE JOUNIN!" Iruka said drawing a big circle around a picture of Kakashi with a marker.

"Ohhh. Okay. KAKASHI YOU FREAK!" Naruto yelled turning on Kakashi his 'ally'.

"Wait… Where did he get that picture…" Kakashi asked himself. "HEY, I'M NOT A FREAK!"

All of a sudden the billionth thing… person… came out of nowhere. Tenten showed up, just because, whistling to herself. "Sasuke. What's going on?"

Somehow, Sasuke shoved Tenten through the T.V. where she re-appeared 500 miles down the road… somehow… "NEJI'S THAT WAY!"

"YES. NEJI!" Tenten squealed and began chasing Neji around.

"So, Sasuke. Planning on being a caveman for the rest of your life?" Naruto asked laying his chin in his palms.

"I'm fucking proud of not being anywhere near you." Sasuke snapped back obviously proud of changing his moods so quickly.

Neji stared at Tenten for approximately 1.345 seconds before running off in the opposite direction, using the Byakugan on everything in his terror induced state.

"OH GOD BYAKUGAN SAVE ME!" He cried.

"Hey, shit for brains. That hurts." Naruto whined using the puppy dog eyes on Sasuke.

Tenten cackled insanely and continued running after Neji to his disdain.

"It was supposed to dobe. Do you think words are supposed to be fluffy and have little flowers and hearts around them?" Sasuke snapped throwing his arms up in the air and making little motions for some of the words.

"WAH SAVE ME HINATA!" Neji cried still running from the insanely evil fangirl-ish Tenten.

Hinata was scared because she couldn't save Neji. She wanted to but she couldn't. She was just too weak. So she turned to Kiba. "K…Kiba!" she cried hoping he could save the day for her.

Unfortunately for Hinata, Kiba was in the bathroom with Akamaru yelling something that could be heard from miles around. "THAT'S IT AKAMARU, YOU CAN DO IT!"

Hinata's eyes grew wide then slowly shrunk until she fainted right outside the bathroom. She definitely was not able to handle what she had just heard.

Meanwhile Kakashi was just standing around watching everything with a blatant look on his face.

Naruto sniffed. "I knew you hated me Sasuke. I knew IT!"

Sasuke just stared at Naruto with the 'You're on crack or some other illegal drug, aren't you' look. "I hate everyone." He stated point-blank.

Iruka who hadn't spoken all this time, piped up just to say something because the author forgot to include him again until now, and he's important. "Uhhhhhh."

"You hate everything except your own fucking EGO!" Naruto yelled back obviously angered by the fact that he just couldn't win with Sasuke.

Meanwhile Kakashi made his appearance in the background; because it was required by the author to include him again, an anime sweatdrop trickling down his forehead.

"Thank you, I'm flattered." Sasuke stated bowing to the nonexistent crowds.

Iruka just stared at everyone through the T.V. with a dead look on his face because right now he has no purpose, and through out the story, he really doesn't!

Of course you are." Naruto muttered, giving a silent sigh.

"Aren't I?" Sasuke exclaimed with a grin on his face.

So because Kakashi needed a purpose he was given one and gave one to Iruka in turn. He turned to speak to the T.V. directing his gaze towards Iruka. "Iruka. Can we lock them up together. See how they ...uh... get along?" He suggested.

"Humph." Naruto hmphed.

"You scare me." Iruka stated giving Kakashi the 'You're on crack or some other illegal drug, aren't you' look.

"Yeah I know. You tell me 34 times every day." Kakashi stated.

"That's creepy." Iruka said. "I can't believe you counted."

Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, because the author decided to be random and make a completely new off-topic topic because this story is without a plot, Sasuke piped up to say, "I know the basics of kinky sex because I have a brother!"

"Well, that's average." Kakashi said staring at the wall and trying not to get involved in something completely random and fueled by a hyper author at 12 A.M.

"Yeah but I have a fucking DEMON FOX!" Naruto stated joyfully.

"So? Does that mean you can fuck it?" Sasuke asked. "'Cause you sound so happy, I'd figure you spend your spare time doing just that."

"No. But it does mean I know a lot more then the basics" Naruto said with a grin.

"Foxes do not have sex!" Sasuke protested, with an I'm constipated' look.

"How the fuck would YOU know?" Naruto shot back.

Now Kakashi got involved in the perfectly random discussion because the author said it was his time to do so, and was eavesdropping in the background with a perverted grin on his face.

"I read." Sasuke stated sticking his tongue out at Naruto.

"Why are you reading books on Fox Sex?" Naruto asked.

Well, I didn't read a book on that specific subject. I was reading about the fox, and it told me they don't do much." Sasuke said with a shrug. "Just sleep and have sex to reproduce."

"You know, that's really disturbing. And I still don't get why you bothered to learn what you did." Naruto said. "But at least YOU'LL never know how much I know. And that's all that matters."

"I don't need to know anything disturbing or perverted outside of my mind." Sasuke stated. "And I don't really think I want to."

"Oh yes you do. EXPERIENCE THE WORLD!" Naruto yelled, throwing his arms up in the air for emphasis.

Sasuke stared at Naruto with an 'I know you're smoking some oddly illegal drug and that's the only reason why you're acting like this' look. That was when the butterfly landed on him. "EEEEEEEEEEEK!" He screamed running around and trying to get it off him because for some really strange reason he was scared of butterflies.

Naruto raised his eyebrow at the whole incident trying to guess what stupid thing Sasuke would do or say… randomly… next.

"I'm scared of the world." Sasuke said with teary chibi eyes staring at the dead butterfly.

Naruto gave Sasuke a 'What are you smokin' man, Cause I need some of it' look. "I thought you hated the world? Or do you hate it BECAUSE you're scared of it…"

"Uhhhh…" Sasuke said inaudibly when the Jeopardy music came on in the background as he tried to give Naruto a smart and sensible answer to his question.

"Just come home Sasuke." Said an exasperated Naruto, who had teary chibi eyes.

"EW! You're gay!" Sasuke said the first smart and sensible thing that came into his head and immediately somewhat regretted it… for about two seconds. Then he realized he had something really good with which he could use to make fun of Naruto with.

"Actually no, I'm not. I'm going to go insane." Naruto said pushing his fingers into his temples.

"You're gay and you like me!" Sasuke said sticking his tongue out happily with the realization that he was right. "And it's not mutual." He added just for kicks.

"Hmph. Okay. If I SWEAR not to take you on the floor or anywhere else, will you come

home? I'm missing mah friend." Naruto reasoned giving Sasuke the puppy dog eyes.

Sasuke stared at Naruto with a blank look for a few seconds before blinking rapidly and fainting, in slow motion so as to play the scene out for longer.

Naruto just stared. "Well. I can't exactly get him home. Stupid TV. What a bright idea that was."

Meanwhile Iruka spoke up because he was on Sasuke's end and needed his purpose again. "He fainted. Do I give him CPR?" he asked.

"As long as you don't molest him. Go for your life." Naruto said lifting the T.V. off Sakura and moving her off to the side before beginning to drag the TV towards his apartment.

Iruka stared at Naruto with a 'Why the fuck would I do that?' look and thwacked Sasuke because it seemed smarter and no once could say he molested his student.

Sasuke bolted up like lightning and screamed, "I LOVE YOU MOMMY!" from the shock…sorta.

Naruto, who was sorta ignoring what was going on 500 miles away on the Television screen was cursing to himself about the stairs going up to his apartment.

Fortunately Naruto came back to reality at that point and realized something was going on 500 miles away and being played back on the screen. "Wait. What?" He said looking at the T.V.

Sasuke sniffled from the sheer trauma of it, rubbing the spot where Iruka had thwacked him, and pulling Cosmopolitan out of his purse, he began to read May's edition.

"Can't get anymore more uke then that." Naruto muttered to himself; deciding to carry the T.V. up the lot of the stairs, and lifting it up began to walk it upstairs.

Several bruised toes, a few strained muscles, 4 or so purple fingers, and 50 'fucks' later Naruto had managed to carry the T.V. up the stairs to his apartment, even though he looked a little worse for the wear.

"Oooooh!" Sasuke said with a giggle. "It's an article on How to make yourself ten years younger! Think I should try it Iruka!"

Iruka sighed. "Not unless you dearly enjoyed your childhood."

"Guys. Ew. Cut it out." Naruto said, being dense again.

"Hey!" Sasuke protested. "Don't be a bitch just because you don't know colour!"

"Orange is very in dipshit." Naruto shot back.

"Well," said Sasuke. "It says here that according to a recent study, purple is the new orange!" He continued with a grin, pointing to his headband where he had replaced the normally blue strip of cloth attached to the metal with a purple piece of cloth. How ironically convenient that was.

"And according to a new research, people who wear black and blue with little fans on them are homosexual. I DON'T CARE!" He shot back dragging the T.V. into his apartment and collapsing on a mattress.

Sasuke walked away from the T.V., somehow still being filmed by the camera, and then through the crowded street being groped by the many people. "I am so in."

Naruto just made an odd face.

"Known fact of the Cosmo bible #117: If he has any sudden interest in you, he is gay." Sasuke stated reciting it, whatever it was, from memory.

Naruto gave Sasuke a blank stare. "Ew. Does this mean YOU'RE gay?" He asked.

Sasuke gave Naruto a 'You're smoking crack, right?' look. "Hell no. I just know all the facts of the Cosmo bible you dipshit."

"Sasuke. The fact you READ the cosmopolitan makes you gay." Naruto pointed out.

"NO IT DOESNT. IM GETTING IN TOUCH WITH MY... FEMININE SIDE." He yelled with a big pouty face. "Don't you like your inner feminine side? Don't you get in touch with it?"

"Watch it. You might be permanently stuck with your feminine side." Naruto said, in what should have been a warning like tone.

Sasuke gave Naruto a funny look. "NAY!"

"That's what horses say, yes. They say neigh, yes. We learned that in Grade one you know." Naruto said.

Sasuke just gave an 'I died' look. "Neigh." He said and stared at a carrot.

So to liven up the story and bring back the once again forgotten characters, Iruka spoke up. "I died." He said.

Naruto cackled. "Does pony want some oats?" He said, cackling again for good measures.

"Whoo! Molesting of dead bodies, here we come." Kakashi said, somehow having gotten into Naruto's apartment with him and watching Sasuke and Iruka on the T.V. with Naruto.

Sasuke's eyes went from teary to angry in the span of 1.5 seconds. "CARROT! I WANT A FUCKING CARROT!" he screamed, shaking his fist murderously.

"I'M NOT DEAD, DON'T MOLEST ME!" Iruka yelled hopping back away from where Kakashi was, even though he was 500 miles away and could only see him through the T.V. screen.

"Alright. Keep your fucking pants... dress... on." Naruto muttered grabbing a carrot out of the fridge. "Now how to get it to someone 500 miles away…"

Sasuke got an incredibly cute chibi happy look on his face. "Carrot!"

Meanwhile, while he thought Kakashi was distracted Iruka tried to creep away and get somewhere Kakashi couldn't find him; since being on TV scares him, and so does Kakashi.

Kakashi cackled insanely and jumped out the window to run to wherever Iruka was. "I'm coooomiiiing!"

Iruka's eyes went wide and he ran away screaming. "HELP MEEEEEE!"

"Not only is he gay. He likes carrots." Naruto said. "What a freaky combination."

"HEY DONT COMPLAIN TO ME IF YOU'RE FAT! CARROTS ARE HEALTHY! HE-AL-THY!" Sasuke screamed at him because he was a health freak, though no one knew why.

"I'm NOT fat. Hello! Well toned body. I'm TANNED DAMMIT! TANNED!" Naruto yelled back.

"Come out, come out wherever you are, little Iruka-chan!" Kakashi called about 2 miles away from where Iruka was, and how he traveled 498 miles in such a short amount of time we'll never know.

"But you're fatter than me… HAH. In your face fatty!" Naruto jeered.

"THATS WHY IM ON A DIET BITCH. YOU STAY FAT!" Sasuke yelled back.

"RAMEN IS FOOD OF THE GODS!" Naruto said a bit randomly.

Sasuke threw a magazine that never existed up 'til now, Ramen Weekly; at Naruto. "THEN GO FUCK THAT MAGAZINE BITCH!" He yelled smug-ish thinking he'd pulled something on Naruto for a change.

"Hmph. How did I EVER become best friends with you?" Naruto mumbled to himself before getting smacked with the Ramen Weekly thrown from 500 miles away… somehow.

"You... wanted to. To become popular you cow!" Sasuke said. "AND I CAN HEAR YOU MUTTER FROM 500 MILES AWAY!" He added.

"... Funny. Why did no-one tell me this?" Naruto asked.

"Because you kept that secret fact to yourself!" Sasuke responded doing his nails and inspecting them, the blowing on them and pulling out some nail polish to use to paint them with.

"Then how do YOU know?" Naruto asked raising an eyebrow.

"I... guessed." Sasuke said with an evil vampire chibi look on his face.

"Oh. I see." Naruto said, being dense and not actually getting it.

Sasuke smiled in an evil chibi like way. "Hehe! Now fuck the magazine like I told you to Ramen Cow." Sasuke coughed. "I mean Dead Last."

"Fuck you Sasuke you bastard." Naruto said.

"You hurt me you stupid cow. TRYING TO BE A MODEL JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES." Sasuke said with a pout. "But I am so cuter. And everyone loves me."

"Maybe. But I have the ultra-cute pout!" Naruto said, using it on Sasuke.

"Uh. No. That looks more like a constipated dog then puppy dog eyes." Sasuke said.

"Face it Sasuke. I just outrank you in cuteness. You have the death glare. I have the cuteness. ALL OF IT!" Naruto said with a triumphant look for now.

"Fine! I'll go be a soldier!" Sasuke snapped.

All of a sudden Sasuke popped up out of no where dressed in army fatigues and holding a gun. How he got over 500 miles so quickly I do not know, most likely because this story has no plot.

Sasuke pulled out the gun and aimed the bullets at Naruto's feet. "DANCE!" he cried with an evil laugh.

Naruto screamed like a girl and ran around in the oddest disturbing dance you will ever see.

Sasuke started laughing mainly because he had power and a gun, actually many guns, with bullets. "YOU SUCK! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" All of a sudden the guns ran out of bullets so of course Naruto had to stop dancing.

Naruto gave Sasuke an ultra cute pout. "That was mean." He said with those teary chibi eyes we all adore and cry because it makes chibis so cute.

Then the gun disappeared and the fatigues and Sasuke was dressed normally and we went on to out next random-ish sub-plot which there are too many of.

Sasuke then produced a hand drawn picture of him and Naruto... kissing... which was... signed by... Naruto. "EXPLAIN THIS!" he snapped waving it around in Naruto's face.

"Eheh... can I pin it on someone else?" Naruto asked eyes darting everywhere.

"Er...No…Why would you want to?" Sasuke asked.

"Well then Sasuke-sama. I think it would be obvious." Naruto responded trying to confuse Sasuke so they could not talk about this.

Sasuke stared at Naruto with the 'What the fuck are you smokin' man?' look. "It's not obvious, so explain it to me." He said.

"It's a picture. By me. Of you. And me. Simple really." Naruto stated.

"Why are we kissing?" Sasuke asked, as if it was the most normal thing in the world and not unordinary, and it didn't happen to be normal.

"Why not? At least it wasn't french kissing." Naruto said with a smug-ish smile.

"ARE YOU GAY!" Sasuke screamed in his face spitting on him almost slapping him.

"Why Sasuke, what gave you that idea?" Naruto asked.

"What wouldn't give me that idea!" Sasuke snapped.

"No wait…" Sasuke said with so much twitching in between it looked like his blinking span was faster than normal. "THE FACT THAT YOU DREW A PICTURE OF YOU AND ME KISSING!" He said shaking his fist in Naruto's face still twitching rapidly, and looking like he was blinking too much faster than normal.

"Then stop asking me stupid question you should KNOW the answer to. You are a supposed 'genius' after all!" Naruto snapped back.

"...THEN YOU ARE GAY." Sasuke said figuring it was the answer.

Naruto gasped. "I never said that!" he protested.

"But everything you say hints toward it… But… But… WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!" He gave Naruto the 'You're so fucked up, it's scary' look.

Sasuke held up the pepper spray in front of him which had appeared out of nowhere. "IT'S THE ONLY ANSWER BITCH!" He said shaking the so called trusty canister in front of him.

"IT IS NOT." Naruto protested. "I could be bisexual."

"...Good point." Sasuke said somewhat agreeing.

Naruto smiled and winked.

"STILL! Stay away from me you sick freak!" He snapped and did and closed his eyes and began running off with his eyes closed while spraying the pepper spray in every direction.

Sasuke ran out of pepper spray a few minutes later while Naruto stared at Sasuke funny. "SHIT!" Sasuke yelled and ran off.

Naruto stared at Sasuke blankly. "You really need some medication, you know." He said.

"NO I DON'T!" Sasuke snapped and threw the empty canister at Naruto.

"Aaah!" Naruto said or screamed or whatever and ran away from empty spray can thing.

"DAMN IT!" Sasuke snapped and threw more stuff at Naruto.

"I DIED BUT NOT REALLY SO DON'T MOLEST ME!" Iruka piped up returning from the land for the characters who haven't made an appearance for a bit again, when we really haven't included him for about three Word pages or 1,038 words approximately.

"Awwww!" Kakashi said sadly.

"Sheesh. Where did you pick up these violent outbursts?" Naruto asked.

"SINCE YOU DREW GAY PICTURS OF ME! I'M NOT GAY AND IM NOT A STICK FIGURE!" Sasuke snapped.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT GAY? And you don't even KNOW if I'm gay!" Naruto snapped right back.

"Explain Sakura, jerkhead." He added as an after thought.

"I don't like her. Pink is... too strange for me." Sasuke said staring at his feet.

"Mou. I'm going to regret this aren't I?" Naruto asked.

"YOU'RE SEMI GAY THEN! YOU HAVE TO BE GAY SOMETHING TO DRAW PICTURES LIKE THIS!" Sasuke stated slapping his hand against the piece of paper.

"GOD I'M SO FUCKING FUSTRATED, I NEED TO GET MY ANGER OUT." Sasuke said and threw a chair at the ground listening to the satisfying splinter when the wood shattered into millions of shards on the road.

"The word is BISEXUAL Sasuke. FRIGGEN SAY IT! Bi-Sex-u-al!" Naruto said, even sounding the word out.

"SEMI GAY, BISEXUAL! WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!" Sasuke snapped.

"IT'S BISEXUAL. And anyway, Ice-prince of doom. Why do you even CARE what I do?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke changed his mood quickly again earning his name Bi-Polar Mystery and smiled a wicked cute chibi smile. "'CAUSE YOU'RE MUH GOOD FRIEND!" He squealed and huggled Naruto.

…Then bitchslapped him when he changed his moon 2.587 seconds later. "AND YOU'RE NOT ALOUD TO HAVE GAY FEELINGS FOR ME!"

"... Dude. I DON'T. I didn't even DRAW the damn picture." Naruto protested a red hand print on his face from where he was bitch slapped. "Ow." He said with teary chibi eyes.

Somewhere in the background, Sakura laughed evilly.

"YOU SIGNED IT!" Sasuke protested because for once he felt loved.

"If YOU had a group of Rabid fan girls going trying to tear you apart because you the low-down Kyuubi and were the best friend of the psychopathic ice-king Sasuke, wouldn't you sign it?" Naruto asked angrily.

Sasuke gave Naruto the 'What the fuck is going on that I'm missing' look "Fan girls?"

Sasuke had a really stupid expression to end all stupid expressions on his face.

Naruto sighed and ticked off the girls on his fingers as he said their names. "Sakura, Ino, Tenten, Temari. Every other bitch-girl in this godforsaken city."

Because it was incredibly irrelevant and silly, another sub-plot was added to the story. Sasuke was randomly hit in the head with a frying pan….

All of a sudden Sasuke was hit with a frying pan and got some odd revelation when it hit his skull wrong. "I SHALL PROTECT YOU MY FAIR NARUTO!" He yelled, eyes scanning the script of a video game trailer for The Legend of Zelda.

Sasuke then rushes off to save the day in a tunic, and tights with a cap and elvish ears because it was in the be all end all script.

"Eheh... I'm not particularly sure I NEED saving. Unless it's from you…" He muttered. But Sasuke was long gone off to 'protect' Naruto. Because the script said so.

With a sigh, Sasuke saddled up his mule and got on heading across Hyrule… No wait the script just said that; I MEAN Konoha.

Because we have no purpose to go into detail about this sort of thing, Sasuke destroyed all the bosses in every dungeon in Hyrule; Wait, the script said that too, I MEAN all the fan girls in every home in Konoha.

Naruto was being dense and just stared.

Sasuke then came back and expected retribution in the form of kiss and was about to kiss Naruto when he was clonked in the head with a frying pan… again. "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED!" He screamed in a very high octave.

"I don't know." Naruto said staring at Sasuke funny. "I thought you knew but now it doesn't seem like it. You swore to come save me and murdered every rabid fan girl in town. And I was just standing here staring wondering what weed you were smoking."

Sasuke just stared at the ground. "Oh."

Sasuke then stared at the almighty script. "Then how come we didn't kiss like the almighty script…" He coughed. "I mean… Script says..."

"DID WE KISS!" He burst out with as an afterthought.

"…Would my denial end up in me being hurt anyway?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke just stared at Naruto with an 'I'll be mad either way' look.

"Well in that case. No. And secondly..." Naruto said and sprinted away. "LEGGGG IIIIIIIIIT!"

"Oh goodie!" Sasuke said going from oddly staring at Naruto to a chibi grin and pranced off.

Sasuke walked down the street with the 'I don't got a care in the world' attitude and a skip in his step. "Lalalala…" All of a sudden a frying pan came out of no where and hit Sasuke for the third time but this time he didn't turn into a character from The Legend of Zelda. "WHO THE FUCK KEEPS THROWING THESE!" He snapped shaking the frying pan at his surroundings.

"Well it's NOT me throwing them! But it did involve you saving my ass." Naruto said, with a smile.

"…Uhhhh….. Now what? The script ran out." Sasuke stated pointing to the last sentence he spoke on the script.

"I dunno. I think this is either your ultra-knight-in-shining-armor mood or your ultra-depressive-and-mopey mood." Naruto said with a shrug.

Meanwhile the script people were running around in Naruto and Sasuke's brains and going crazy and burning stuff. "STALL FOR TIME!"

"HOW?" Naruto asked speaking the unspoken question aloud.

"...Can I have a carrot?" Sasuke asked. "I never got my carrot."

Naruto sighed and shoved a carrot down Sasuke's throat. "EAT IT THEN, DAMMIT!"

Sasuke choked on the carrot because he couldn't breathe what with it being forced down his throat and died from the suffocation or the lack of oxygen or both.

Naruto gasped. "CPR has to be through the mouth right? He's so going to kill me if he's actually just pretending…"

Unfortunately, Sasuke was very convincing at being dead, even though he was actually dead. Not only would he have to be a convincing actor to fake this one, but if he was when did he take the time to learn all this stuff?

Naruto looked around nervously before looking back down at Sasuke. You could just tell he was uncomfortable, the aura of the air said it all. "Friggen' hell. Why do I always have to be the one to do this!" He asked himself.

Naruto tried pinching Sasuke's nose and forcing air into his lungs to see if he would come back to life that way. But he didn't. So Naruto came back up for air. "OH MY GOD. HE'S DEAD! And I friggen kissed him AGAIN? Eww. Do boys have cooties?" Naruto asked himself getting all jumpy and sort of worried.

Sasuke then made a little guardian angel come out of his body. "Sing the song!" The guardian angel said.

Naruto stared at the guardian angel funny. "You LIED. You DIDN'T DIE!"

Sasuke was still dead and threw a holographic frying pan at Naruto, which went right through him because he was dead and couldn't hit the living with something solid. "I AM DEAD!"

"Then why are you talking? Or are you enjoying me molesting your mouth?" Naruto asked staring at the guardian angel funny some more.

Sasuke threw another holographic frying pan at Naruto out of irritation. "IT'S MY SOUL DUMBASS. YOU'RE MOLESTING ME? WHERE?" Sasuke asked being just as dense as Naruto could be.

Naruto sighed for what is probably around the tenth time if we bothered to count. "CPR requires mouth to mouth Sasuke. I've been covering your lips with mine on and off for the past 4 minutes." He said.

Sasuke the guardian angel stared at Naruto funny. "Okay then." He said.

"You're going to kill me aren't you?" Naruto asked.

"Dunno. Dunno if you taste yum." Sasuke said with a shrug.

"Would you like me to try again?" Naruto asked staring at Guardian Angel Sasuke funny.

Sasuke threw his harp at Naruto out of some more pure irritation but this time purely rage. "THE SONG!"

"Ow." Said Naruto rubbing his sore head since he was actually hit by the harp. "What song?"

"The song that comes from your heart!" Sasuke the Guardian angel stated as if it were the most obvious thing with a smile on his face.

"Buhhh?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke threw a piece of paper at Naruto with a song on it filled with I love yous and fluffy crap of that sense. "JUST SING IT!"

"Awww man. He's so going to kill me either way." Naruto said with a sigh but sang it anyways, in a nice voice nonetheless.

Sasuke woke up for some odd reason because this was mostly random and stared wide eyed before blinking his eyes a few time and staring up at Naruto with his shiny sparkly chibi eyes "YOU LOVE MEEEEEEEE!" He said and little hearts danced around his head.

Naruto just smiled and shrugged sort of.

We interrupt this cute moment to bring you the anger Sasuke now feels for no apparent reason because this story doesn't actually have a plot… but a purpose. To entertain you, and get Naruto and Sasuke together.

"Oh shit." Naruto said as calm as he could be in the face of a very angry Sasuke.

"YOU DON'T CARE YOU BASTARD!" Sasuke screamed at Naruto.

"WHAT? WHAT DON'T I CARE ABOUT!" Naruto snapped right back

"Just... Die." Sasuke said so quietly you knew he was really, really mad. Then he began hurling all kinds of furniture at Naruto. "THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A DECLARATION OF LOVE AND CHIBI-NESS, AND YOU GO AND LIKE RUING IT."

"OKAY. SASUKE. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. NOW STOP THROWING FURNITURE AT ME!" Naruto screamed at Sasuke.

Sasuke got all happy because he was so weird and bipolar and attached himself to Naruto with a humongous chibi smile and a fan girl-y glomp.

Naruto just stared at Sasuke like he needed medication, which had been stated many times, and was probably quite true. But he just patted Sasuke on the head in a loving manner and tried to figure out how to get Sasuke to the doctor to get him medication without resistance on Sasuke's part.

Sasuke smiled all chibi like and felt all loved. "So when do we have sex?" He stated bluntly.

"Got anything planned for right now?" Naruto asked eyes a bit wide of the serious-ness of what Sasuke had asked.

Sasuke just attached himself to Naruto more with the big dopey chibi grin on his face still and shook his head no.

"Awesome! To your place then!" He said and so they were er… off…

* * *

All of a sudden, because this story got too long and too random, Sasuke woke up after being hit with a shuriken. "Where am I?" he asked. 

"Oooohhh dear…" Naruto said sort of scared that Sasuke has some sort of amnesia and that he just got hit with a shuriken and asked an un-Sasuke question.

"Hey, what the…?" Sasuke asked leaving the sentence hanging in the air. "I thought I killed Sakura and Kakashi was trying to molest Iruka… Wasn't all that happening?"

"You tried. He was." Naruto said answering both of Sasuke's questions while staring at him funny.

"I mean!" Naruto said stammering and stumbling all over himself. "No. We were training. Just training." He added whistling and turning around and acting as if nothing happened and Sasuke was just delusional.

Sasuke looked to Sakura and Kakashi then to see what they thought, and then realized they were there and what he had said in their presence. "...Oops…"

Sakura just latched herself onto Sasuke as if nothing had happened and he hadn't said he killed her.

"I think this is where I run away right?" Sasuke asked jerking a thumb towards the road.

"Yeah thought so…" He said when no one responded. "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" he added for extra measures then ran off leaving a somewhat hurt Sakura behind.

"Aw shit. Geezus Sakura, did you have to do that? I just got him here after uhhh..." Naruto trailed off and turned crimson.

Sakura stared at Naruto with an 'I don't trust you for one second mister' look. "WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?" She screamed in his face spit flying on him.

Iruka popped up out of nowhere with an adorable chibi smile on his face, the other bi-polar person who could be just as bad as Sasuke sometimes. "They had sex!"

"WE DID NOT!" Naruto snapped.

"DENYING MEANS YOU DID!" Iruka protested right back.

"What like you denying you and Kakashi were making out in my CLOSET?" Naruto snapped back feeling smug getting one over on his teacher.

"Ooooh. Burn." Kakashi said, rubbing it in and making it worse.

Iruka changed his mood just as fast as Sasuke did and got really, really angry. "OKAY THAT'S MEAN. I'M THE TEACHER, SO ONLY I CAN SAY THAT SORT OF THING. SO GO TO THE QUIET ROOM AND DONT COME OUT UNTIL I SAY SO, BECAUSE I HAVE HIGHER POWER AND I WILL NOT PERMIT YOU TO SAY THAT TO ME!" Iruka snapped.

"Yes Master Iruka." Naruto said his tone dripping with sarcasm. "I will do as you say forever because I am your mighty slave." He said with more sarcasm.

So Naruto went to the quiet room and grumbled about it.

Sakura set out on a mission with Ino… which was never completed since both girls have yet to return with Sasuke and the reward of a mission well done.

Iruka waited all his life to marry Kakashi but the homosexual marriage laws were never actually put into action… until the day he died.

And Sasuke never returned from where ever he ran off to at that particular moment in his life… He will forever be called 'The Bi-Polar Mystery'. No scientist to this day could figure out why he changed moods so fast and acted as he did… Most people just say he was gay and bi-polar. And I think that's what the scientists are figuring out after all these years of research.

* * *

Owari- 

Inu Kaiba: Oh dear god, that was 24 pages. It took forever to edit. This wins for the longest one shot ever for now. My neck and back hurt since I've been trying to finish this up to Shania Twain for the past two hours, while speaking on and off to Rosey and way earlier Madison too. But I'm finally done, even though I have an overload of homework to do tomorrow because I have Monday off for Passover even though I'm not Jewish…


End file.
